For Now
by Tasareswrist
Summary: Nathan jacking off and trying to fight off the voices in his head. from the Kink meme prompt "Repo/Nathan, self-hating autoerotic masochism"


Title: For Now  
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Nathan, Shilo  
Rating: M  
Word Count: 701  
Summary: Nathan jacking off and trying to fight off the voices in his head. from the Kink meme prompt "Repo/Nathan, self-hating autoerotic masochism"  
Warnings/Kinks: language, blood, cutting, masturbation.

Nights that Nathan wasn't working were the worst. Shilo was sleeping and he was alone with himself. His eyes passed over the wall and he did a quick double take before collapsing into his chair. When he was tired like this, he often mistook his wife behind the glass wall for his daughter. They really did look amazingly alike. The same dark hair, lively eyes...

_Perky, just blossoming breasts, milky skin free of any blemish or mark, pure innocent total virginity...  
_  
Damn, that's no way to think about your own daughter, Nathan! He shook his head, trying to free himself of this train of thought. He had been down this road before and it never ended well.

_Sure it is, she looks like her fucking mother, right? Her mother. Yes, but her mother is a cold, dead corpse, only not rotting because you filled her with chemicals. Shilo is warm. Shilo is pure. Shilo is tiny, can't possibly overpower you. _

No, I taught my girl better than that. She would fight me off. She would never just let me--

_Then get a knife._

What?

_Go to you lab. No one will hear. Nathan stood up, walked into his lab, his instruments quiet with no work to be done today. You don't need a big one, just enough that you could slice her jugular. That will do. _

Nathan selected a rather large scalpel, one that was good for cutting through smaller muscles. I keep her here so she won't get hurt! I can't stab my own daughter.

_You're not going to. You are just going to threaten her. No one could hear her scream anyway. Just take her. She is beautiful, she is perfect. Just go._

Nathan, hardly thinking, got the keys to Shilo's room and walked up the stairs. He was just putting the key in the hole when the voice came back into his head.

_Wait. You're not ready. I know you, you won't be able to get it up once she is writhing under you. Go sit down. Relax. Think about Marni.  
_  
Nathan relaxed at the thought of his beautiful wife. Back in his chair, he unzipped his pants and began massaging the flaccid organ.

_Her organs must be beautiful. Don't try to tell me you never thought of it. Slicing her open. Looking __through her. The pain in her face, those last few breaths are always beautiful. Watching the life leave her just like it left Marni. I know you enjoyed that. That was the first time you felt this way, wasn't it? When Marni died? Thinking you could end a life, that you had that power in you, that was thrilling. Until your conscience messed up your ecstasy_.

Although these thoughts were making him grow hard in his own hand, Nathan grew frustrated. He picked up the scalpel and sliced a thin quick line across his thigh. He hissed as the blood bubbled up.

_Beautiful. Totally objective aren't you? Imagine that line on Shilo's neck, or bursting through her abdominal muscles...  
_  
Nathan stabbed the knife in his thigh harder this time, not missing a beat of his masturbation.

_Good! More! Come on, you horny bastard! What kind of sick freak would rape his daughter while thinking of his dead wife? Punish yourself like you deserve. Punish yourself for what you do to those loan defaulters_.

The knife drove itself in again and Nathan let out a cry of pain. No, please, please don't remind me...

_They can never tell what you do to them before they die, and neither will Shilo once you send her to her mother.  
_  
Tears welling in Nathan's eyes, he stabbed himself, deeper and then deeper, leaving gigantic gashes in his leg, with blood dripping onto the floor.

All at once, Nathan felt the long awaited catharsis wash over him. It was done; he had punished himself enough and the voice went quiet. He let the scalpel slide to the floor as he panted, jerking his hand up and down faster now, until his eyes fell on his wife's corpse. He sighed heavily and shut his eyes. He had averted thoughts of doing horrible things and made it through another night.

_For now._


End file.
